Trigger warning, please be aware there is sexual abuse in the next piece I am sharing:
I ended up going out to Wainwright, and Army base town. I stayed with a younger couple, and The mans younger sister also lived with them, I remember my social Worker bringing me to this home and I was sitting there as the Social Worker introduced us. They had a little white poodle. I was sitting in a chair with my feet out and crossed, and that dumb dog started humping my foot. I didn’t realize what he was doing till his owner said “Ramsey! Stop that!” When she said that I was so embarrassed!! I didn’t know he was being a dirty dog, I wish she would have waited to get me alone to explain to me what that dog did was wrong.
After that happened When my Social Worker got up to leave, and go to her car I panicked and bolted out the door. I ran to her car and she just got to it, so we stood there by her car while I begged her not to leave me here. I was so embarrassed, you remember how modest I am, so this humiliation was just to much for me! How could I possibly bare to meet these strangers eyes after that awful dog did that to my foot!! My social Worker said “Tammy you have no choice you have to stay here there is no were else I can take you.” the only words that rang through my ears was “Tammy, you have no choice.” She was right I didn’t. However, I didn’t realize the impact those words would have on until after I had been there for a while.
The man’s younger sister , who was about 19 approached me and said if you get lonely you can sleep with me. I felt comforted by her and did cuddle with her. I missed my siblings so much. One time I accidentally touched her boobs and pulled back like I burned myself, she laughed and said”it’s ok don’t worry, I don’t mind”. I didn’t even think to beware, as I had never been abused sexually by a female before.. until her.
I wasn’t sexually attracted to girls, so I didn’t even think it was possible, as I never met a lesbian before. Or if I did, I didn’t know it, because I never had a female come on to me. I became very attached to this girl and I went every were with her. When we were at home, we would spend hours in her room listening to music or reading, or laughing together. I didn’t love her but I was growing to trust her. I did love their little baby though.I would play with him and loved when he laughed, that little baby I loved and bonded with. I still miss his baby laugh and smile, when I think of him.
So my relationship with this young woman progressed from sleeping together with clothes on to her sleeping naked. I never slept with no clothes on I felt too vulnerable, but she was very comfortable naked. My only thought was she was so brave and I wish I was more like her. she plucked her eyebrows so I wanted mine plucked, she had pierced ears so I wanted pierced ears, double like her. She wore make up So I wanted to wear make up. My foster mom let me do this, for the first time I was some what happy and began to let my guard down a bit.
I didn’t like that they cut my hair short though, our mother always had waist length hair and all us girls always had long hair. When she cut it I felt cut off from my sisters. She didn’t understand this, but it didn’t matter I cried silently in my room. The girl I was bonding with heard me though and came in to comfort me, and that was our first kiss. I didn’t like it, but I had no choice right, isn’t that what the Social worker said…I don’t like kissing at all, I can’t even stand watching people kiss on TV it is so gross to me. It just escalated from there.
One night my foster parent went out for the evening and there baby was at his grandparents, that left me and my foster sister alone to our own devices, or rather her devices, I was just alone. She was in her room when she called my name and told me to come to her room. Seeing her naked I just thought she was going to bed early. She had that gross little dog with her on the bed. She said “let me show you something, you will like it”. She spread her legs and that little dog dove right in like he been doing it forever, which he probably had been. He started licking her private parts. I was shocked and sickened. I had no idea people would do this to an animal. I now felt bad for that little dog, as I understood like me he had no choice and was a victim. After she was done, she tried to entice me to do the same, and I said I didn’t want to do that with the dog, she said ” OK, next time I will show you something else, come give me a hug.” I did and she gave me a kiss with tongue.. so gross!! Of course I didn’t say that to her though, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
The next time she gave me oral sex, I just lay there, I wasn’t a participant, I wasn’t even an observer. I was far away some were no one else can come. This female on female sex was very disturbing to me. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t like it, this was not comforting to me. I didn’t understand that although a lower percentage than men woman can be sexual predators as well. No one was safe, except my siblings, I had to get back to them no matter what, but I didn’t even know were they were!
There was no visits or even phone calls. We were truly and what I thought irrevocably separated. When my foster sister said, “next time will be even more fun!” I was galvanized into action. As soon as I was alone I called my social worker frantic and upset, I told her I needed to talk to her right away like today! she came a few days later, and I was still frantic and told her I needed to go today like right now! She asked me “why?” I didn’t tell her why I told her that I could not possibly stay here it was not safe for me and if she made me stay I would run away. I was still very much a minor so running away was not an option. I told her in no uncertain terms I wanted to be placed with my sisters and brother. she told me it was not possible to be placed with my brother as he was in a boys home. I said fine, but demanded to visit him. However, I wanted to be with my sisters! I was adamant, and was ready to run away and try to find them, an impossible task but to my mind it was do able.
You may be asking why didn’t you tell? This is normal for children who are being abused not to tell on their abusers, especially in my case, since every time my mother showed me I was bad for telling, and my social Worker said I had no choice, even the justice system failed me. Even if it was a male abusing me I do not think I would have told. I don’t know how long I could take this abuse, before I either lost my mind or killed my self. Thoughts of suicide were prevalent, and this was an option for me. I was about eleven years old at this time. It seemed like I had already lived a life time, and I suppose I had. I did not feel like a child, in the sense, I knew to much. However, I felt powerless, like a child. I really don’t know if all children feel powerless, I just know I did.