Going back through the memories I realize I have missed an important event that has made me whole again. Prior to moving up north to my safe haven I had a life changing event. It all happened January 1, 2000. The year of the Y2K scare and everything was to be new again. This was so true to me. It is difficult information and difficult to believe but as lord is my witness it happened to me.
It all begun because I saw a psychic and she said that I needed to meditate, and relax. So here I was in the middle of the floor in my apartment legs crossed and hands on my knees like they do on TV when they meditate. What happened next was way out of my control.
There I was sitting in a candle lite room taking 3 deep breaths to get in the relaxed state that you need to be in to meditate. Then there was a voice that came to me and said “I am not done with you yet”. I jumped up and said “I don’t want to do this right now” but I guess the voice knew that I was really ready to go through what ever they had in mind for me.
Looking back at the whole situation I just think what a gift it had been to have the guide come to me and make me whole again. So there I was sitting on the couch with my head in my hands, saying i just did not want to do this. It was not so much not wanting to go through it, it came down to believing what was happening to me.
The voice said to me to open the first door in my heart and let the little girl out. This was not easy as they were locked away for so long that felt comfort with them there I knew they were safe. So I did open the first door and let her out. She was scared of what might happen to her as she was vulnerable now in the open. This little girl had all the abuse emotional, physical, and mental abuse that came from our mother. I had to feel the pain and the voice would tell me to let it go. I just remember crying like I never cried before. I just felt so much pain and anguish after letting her out that I could not contain my emotions. Letting go of the pain and suffering that little girl experienced lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.
By letting go of that pain made me realize that I was not responsible for my mother’s disfunction, her behavior was her own and only hers. We may have paid a price for the dysfunction but I did not need to justify it or be ashamed of it because it was not my behaviour. This was a pivotal step for me as I would always justify or make excuses for the behaviour of our mother to people that knew the whole situation, amd so much shame came with those conversations also. The release of that shame was like waves flowing through me and seemed like forever but in reality it was just a few minutes.
There was not much time between the episodes so there was no time to just relax and forget what was happening to me. The voice said the other door needs to be opened also, this one was more difficult as it dealt with the pain of losing my innocence. There would not be anything that could happen that could bring that back for me but maybe some comfort knowing it was not my fault. I opened up the door and the little girl inside was carrying a big pink teddy bear, that used to be my security blanket that I took everywhere when I was young. Then I heard the voice again say “feel the pain and then let it go” I just remember thinking who wants to feel the pain again but I had to do it for the little girl so she could be free. I sat there with my head in my hands and cried and cried, then took 3 deep breaths and said let it all go, with every exhale I was letting go of the shame and blame that comes with sexual abuse. The voice also said for any issue that I blamed myself for and caused me pain the feel the pain and take 3 breaths and let it go. I found out that there was incidences that I blamed myself for that was way out of my control but still blamed myself.
I do not know how to emphasize how important it is not to blame yourself for your parents short comings, but I also know how difficult it is to not see the other side of the pain. Pain and suffering from a young age is difficult to let go as you are to young to understand why it happened to you. It also does not matter how often you’ve been told “ it is not your fault” you have to go through a cleansing process like I did so you can let it all go. It was one of the most difficult, painful, but rewarding experiences of my life.
After the whole situation was done I felt so free, free like a bird that could fly. I finally leaned back on the couch and looked up to the ceiling and saw the face of my uncle moving back and forth. I said thanks for helping me clean my head of the blame and shame that I suffered for all those years. Thanked him for being my guide to making me a better person.