Tammy and Tyra
Some people may wonder why this memoir is called 25 percent. Let us explain why. There are four of us, the 4T’s. Tammy, Tyra, Tanya and Trevor, in that order. We are 100% dedicated to each other. We lived in the same house, same reality, different outcomes. There was so much abuse that we were all aware of, but there was also hidden abuses done to each of us that was secret. So secret we didn’t even tell each other, believing we were protecting each other. Only each one us know the full extent of what happened to ourselves..
The abuses we suffered affected each one of us, but the effects are different. If some were to see us all together, they would be shocked how drastic the differences are. Tammy, being the oldest received the brunt of the abuse. She is broken, but has come to a place were she has adapted, and lives her life, she is mended-spirit.
Tyra, suffered abuse and was sexually abused, by the same man that abused Tammy. However, Tyra had a foundation of normalcy for her earliest years. Therefore, she had a sense of self, boundaries and was able to assert herself. She had known a normal, healthy family in the foster parents, that had Tammy and Tyra had for three years. Tyra has anxiety and depression, but she is high functioning. She is bent, but not broken. She is the 25percent. The one out of the four able live in society and function.The two youngest, live in the shadows of society. They live a life of an unimaginable existence. They are the lost ones. They are the fragmented one and the shattered one.
I always knew I was different, I even thought that I was adopted at times. I knew at a young age that I was living a life I didn’t want to lead. This attitude really caused tension in the house with my mom as she did not understand why I wanted to be different, she did not see what she was doing as being destructive for the 4 children she had.
I would always ask mom, why can’t you be like other moms out there?” All there was was silence in the room. At times she would break down and start crying and say she did not know why. Then I would back down and let her proceed with her dysfunctional behaviours.
The constant conflict between us has made me a defensive individual, this causes issues in my daily life. Now that I am 48 years old I realize where this behavior comes from. Is this behavior easy to change “No”. I have been working in the helping profession for 20 years now and still have issues with feeling attacked. The only difference is I am aware of this and know what triggers it. Taking a deep breath and walking away from the situation is the easiest solution but also the hardest.
Hi and Welcome , I am so happy you joined us. My name is Tammy. This journey we are on can be heartbreaking, funny, frightening, uplifting, and so many other things. Life is ever changing and hopefully so are we. “To change is to live, To live well is to change often” I think that the only thing that really makes my life different is that I survived it. As our journey progresses you will see why I say that.
I am not of the school that one persons pain is worse than another. I am not of the opinion that ones abuse is worse than another. I am not of the thought that one tragedy is more tragic than another. WE are precious and priceless and there is no price tag on us. Our pain should not be measured, our suffering does not need to be weighed and our fragility should be respected, and our strength be honoured. We are not a case, we are unique individuals with commonalities. My spirit was broken by trauma and mended by love. As Fragile as I am with the strength of God, a loving family and friends, and kind strangers I will not only prevail I will flourish. I will always be mended-spirit.
I was Born October 30. 1968, I am told that was a good year. I really wont say much about my parents at this time other that I had them and they has serious unresolved issues. So it begins. A lot of what I do not remember has been filled in by asking foster parent and social workers that I have had over the years straightforward and blunt questions, and getting files through the freedom of information act. Some may ask, Why? why would you want to know? My answer is simple wouldn’t you want to know why you are different to a point were living “normally” is not possible?
I mean I am sure there are millions of people who do not self medicate, have living nightmares, do not leave their house unless they absolutely have too, can count any friends on one hand. Hear voices calling them in anger and having a startle responses. Beginning a new medication and telling your sister you feel odd in a good way and realizing that maybe just maybe this is what happy feels like? I don’t know, I just know it does not hurt. The verdict is still out on normalcy, thats because for me I feel my normal, but my thoughts and behaviours are not. I am a master of sleep I can sleep around the clock. Most people would say who the hell would want to do that!! Me, I do, I live in my dreams and my waking hours are my nightmare. I am, sure there are people out there that can relate.
I am a “vulnerable” mentally ill person. This makes interaction with society and people almost impossible. As a vulnerable mentally ill woman, I can tell you, there are a lot of people who take advantage and abuse, people like me. The people that take advtange and abuse are not always the rougher side of society. They are the people society considers healthy normal people. I do not understand this, but I know it is happening, and many are suffering because of it.
I will strive to be the best possible me. I accept me, and even like me, unless I go to the dark place, then not so much. It is a good thing to strive for healing, growth and Spiritual peace and this I will do until I say good bye.
Thank goodness for my sister, she loves me just the way I am and understands why I am the way I am. I will do my best to explain it to you, if you are still wondering your own Why, maybe we have some answers for you. LOVE
Would love to hear your comments and thoughts as we Travel down the road less traveled, and were Angels dare not tread.