Freedom of Letting Go

Beginning a new relationship is exciting, learning the individual, the past, and wants for the future. During this time I was working on the relationship so hard that I was not seeing the signs of dysfunction. Everytime someone would say I was his girlfriend he would say I was not his girlfriend, I did not understand why he would say that. I just thought that it was a joke, and that he did consider me as his girlfriend. Until one day he would not call me his girlfriend, and broke up with me and said that “he did not want a relationship with me”. This broke my heart, as I was under the impression that we were doing well in the relationship.

After the break up I was contemplating leaving once more. Planning to move back to the city to be with my friends and people that cared about me. I am not sure what kept me where I was, I just could not find the courage to say it just did not work out. Living in the area that I always said was my safe haven, made me feel like I was at home. All I had to do is focus on me, is all I thought. Focus on what you may be asking well I needed to focus on what was important to me and just go with it. And that is exactly what I did…

I knew then that I needed to talk to my father, and ask some serious questions to be able to let it go. This one day I decided that it was time to confront the situation. I drove for an hour to his house all the time thinking about how this may work out for me. I thought that he would not want to have anything to do with me anymore, then I thought well if that is the outcome of the visit did I really lose anything from it? Then I thought maybe he would be loving and accepting, and I needed to make a decision on how much I wanted him in my life. Also, how will I handle the woman that abused me for the time that I did live with him.

Sitting at the kitchen table the talk was just small talk, about the weather, how life was treating us, and about moving to my safe haven area. Then the deep conversation came and boy did it get deep. I asked why he blamed me for the breakup of his marriage, as I could not break up a good marriage even if I tried to. All I ever wanted was a loving family and that meant a mother and father, not just a father. He did not know what to say to me over my comments and I told him that it just was not fair to blame a 13 year old child for the short comings of the relationship. Then came the profound question “what did I do to you to make you not love me?”. I do not think any parent would want to hear that kind of question but that is exactly the way I felt. I felt that I did something terribly wrong and that is why I was treated so badly. He did not have a answer except “I do love you and you did nothing wrong”, but to me it did not explain why he did not believe me when I would tell him what was happening when he was gone to work. I proceeded by telling him what life was really like for a 13 year old girl that thought her father would save her from the life of abuse. Instead he followed the same pattern I was living all those years and he did not even know what he was doing to a 13 year old girl. He had tears rolling down his face with regret for making me feel the way I did. Then the conversation went on to how we would have a relationship from that point on, I just said that I would have a relationship with him but not with the woman that did me wrong. I felt like I deserved a apology for the abuse that I endured at her hands. I knew deep down that the apology would not come from her and any chance she could do something to hurt me she would. I left my fathers house lighter getting all the feelings off my chest, it was a good feeling, a feeling that I could live with the answers that I received.

Driving back home that day I just dreamt of a beautiful relationship, thinking “will he follow through on the conversation? how will life be with him in my life? how much time should I spend with him? These were the questions that ran through my mind. I guess only time would tell how things would work out is how I answered myself.

A month went by and the man that broke my heart came back into my life, asking if I would be his girlfriend and be with him. Of course I said yes, and another new beginning begun.

2 thoughts on “Freedom of Letting Go

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