The day came where I made the decision to move out of the city. I knew it was time to start my life for myself not worrying about what my siblings were doing or how they will survive without me there for them. my whole life was surrounded around keeping them safe and happy. Now I want to leave the situation again when we are adults. I just wondered how will it all turn out. I worried about my decision knowing it could cause strain on our relationship, but there was this feeling deep inside that said it was time to let go of all the past ties and begin new ones. Being a person who wants to have control over at least some part of my life, leaving for the unknown was quite difficult.
This one day while visiting my younger sister I decided to start a conversation about leaving and the feeling I was having about moving away. I continued the conversation with the statement that I was feeling guilty about my financial status and that they were insecure in that way. All she said to me was “we chose our path in life Tyra, and you do not need to feel guilty about anything”. This guilt plagued me for years till I had the courage to discuss it with her. I told her how I worried about how life would be for them without having the security in a job that could provide for them, she said “I wanted to have children and you wanted a career, you have your career and I have my children” I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said “thank you” as I took her answer as permission to move on with my life.
The next step was breaking the tie to my ex boyfriend. we were together for ten and half years I had respect for him to let him know that I would no longer be in the city. Then one day I get a phone call from him and he said “come home please, just come home”, I just said that I could not. He hung the phone angry at me and I knew deep in my soul that I had made the right decision.
Moving day came and I had to get my aunt to come and pull the trailer for me. I just could not wrap my head around driving through the city with a trailer behind me. I was so grateful for her coming to get me. the drive to my new home was long but worth the drive. I knew that my life was going to start over once again.
Well I started out alone but then I meet this guy. I did not know what I was getting into but I was after just some fun and fun we had. The days that I did not work I wanted to go see things like they used to be, I learnt really fast that they would never be the same as they were when I was a child. Being in my new environment, and it being the safe haven that it used to be was no longer. I had to realize that all the people that made it a safe haven were no longer around to provide the environment that I so craved.
After a few months of being where I felt like I needed to be I begun to get lonely wanting my friends and family back in the city. I struggled with the decision of staying or leaving once again to a place I knew would only bring me down. During these months I relied on a man that was just as broken if not more than me for the love and comfort that I so desired. I became pregnant a dream come true, then it ended in a miscarriage I was devastated. I just pushed my way to work even more trying to hide the pain that I was suffering. Then the second pregnancy came along and I was more cautious not wanting to do anything to cause a miscarriage. It was on my way to see and obstetrician that the second one was lost. the second one was more painful emotionally than the first one as I just could only blame myself for the problem of staying pregnant. People around me tried to tell me that it was not my fault but deep down I still thought that I did something extremely wrong where I had to be punished even more.
This man and the pregnancy’s happened for a reason. I realized what I did not want in a relationship and what I dreamed of for my life with a man. I did think that this man was the one or I would not have spent so much time with him and helping him with his issues so we could move ahead in life. The reason why it did not work is about having a dysfunctional relationship, the only relationship I was used to from a very young age. This man would do drugs and not want to work. I was always against drugs due to my mother overdosing on them and dying. It was a constant struggle for me trying to see things from his point of view in regards to them. Then came a day when a man was at the door step and I just could not believe my eyes and the feelings that I felt that day. I knew this man from when we were teenagers. I just saw him and it was fireworks we both felt it. It was like a epiphany and I knew that was the man I was going to marry. all I kept thinking was how I would get out of the house without showing I had this feeling without being obvious to my then partner. Thank goodness I had a reason for leaving as I was heading to work, and that was my excuse. I knew that day that I had finally met the man and the relationship I was in was over. The relationship with this man did not last due to irreconcilable differences, and lack of maturity on his part. This is when I started believing everything happens for a reason.
I was alone for awhile and contemplated moving back to the city to be with my support system, but still did could not bring myself to move back. Then one day this man came back into my life. I started talking with him and learning about his dreams and hopes. We would talk for hours just about anything and everything. About the past and about the future. New Journey begins.