As you may have noticed I have not been writing much these days. That does not mean that there is nothing to say, just that I don’t know how to say what I need to say. I find that interesting. I wanted to continue the blog for others benefit not my own. I do believe I have left off at the nursing school and the first time that I was made aware that I had blacked out. That was a changing point in my life. I did not realize it then but looking back I needed to know the consequences of being abused the way I was.
I took the instructors advise and sought out help with my mental health. During one of my visits I found out that I had multiple personalities. These personalities would come out during different times. I had a personality that if I was being attacked verbally or physically would come out to protect me. I did not know when they would show up it would be that I would just change without even knowing. This did cause issues in my life as people would not know what happened to me. I look back and there are several situations in my life that I do not know happened but I was there.
Back to the visit with the counselor, she was surprised that I had 4 personalities and wanted to know their names. At that time I did recall the name but today it is difficult as I had meshed them all together to make me who I am today. I guess if it is really important I could go to my old diaries and get the names but I do not think that is a important point to make. During the counseling sessions the counselor would ask me if I wanted to see a psychiatrist for the issues that I was having, I was so scared to be on any medication due to the addiction that our mother had to them. I was so scared that I would become just like her. I would rapidly state “No, they will put me on medication and I will be just like her”, speaking of our mother. The counselor would try and reassure me that the medications today will not cause that kind of addiction, I did not believe her. So I suffered for years dealing with the depression and anxiety.
Going through university was a good time for me as it took my mind off of the issues that plagued me during my life. Also, it taught me that I can be my own person with flaws. If you go through nursing school and do not change your outlook on life I feel you missed the point of nursing. I found it amazing watching the other students and the changes that they would go through, the only problem is I did not see the changes it made in me.
During nursing school I was in a long term relationship, and he would be the one that told me that I was changing. It is hard to see the changes in yourself but others pick up on it quickly. Then I started to pay closer attention to the person that I was and what I wanted from life and if it was the same for the man that I was with. Everything changed after graduation.
After graduation I was working and making more money than my partner, this made him insecure. We decided to buy a bigger home and we spent our time looking for new properties for us in the neighbourhoods that we wanted to live. We did not realize that we were taking away from the real issues of our relationship and how to get past them. We finally found a house that we liked and we bought it and moved. Moving was a chore as it was from one side of the city to the other.
During the time that we lived in the house our life had started the change. I was working shift work and he was working long hours at work and at his fathers business. We lost touch with each other. My birthday came and we had a tradition of spending it out at my aunts and uncles, but this year was different, he wanted to stay in the city. The day finally came and I asked if he was coming or staying in the city, he stated that he wanted to stay. I said ok and packed my bag and put it in the truck and continued on my way out of the city. While driving I wondered why he did not want to come with me, then it hit me like a rock, we are over. My stomach started to turn, I felt like vomiting and just about turned around due to the anxiety that I was suffering.
Spent the weekend with my aunt and uncle, then I was on my way home. I remember him sitting in the basement of our new place and he did not talk to me when I came in the house. I had to talk to him and ask what he wanted, he said that he wanted me to move out and dissolve our relationship. My feelings on the way out of the city were coming true. He said that he had found some one else and wanted to be with her. I stated that we both had changed and needed to go our separate ways. I cried myself to sleep several nights as I slept in the spare room, and he was in the master bedroom. It just felt wrong. I worked and saved my money and looked for an apartment to move to. Finally found a place where I used to live a bachelors apartment, just what I needed.