After I had settled down and allowed Stanley to move more freely about the house, things began to get better. Of course I hid the ax and the gun, until he asked me were they were. I of course had to tell him, as they were his property after all. I still had a lot of trouble with his temper though. He had a mercurial temper and it terrified me. I didn’t understand that although he had a temper it was never directed at me, more often than not it was inanimate objects he got angry with. I have to laugh now when I think about it. He would hit his finger with a hammer and it was world war 3 with the hammer that offended his finger. He stubbed his toe, and the offending chair got a tongue lashing.
He could not understand why I would run and hid when ever he got angry, because he was not angry with me. His temper however, terrified me and he slowly began to realize it was his outbursts that made me shake with fear and run and hide like a little child. Slowly, but surely he began to hold his temper. I admire and love him for that, I am sure it was not easy, since it was such a part of who he was. There were times when i would do something that made me shake with unabated fear,. Like the time he spilled motor oil in the hall and i did not see it as I Trucked down the hall to the bathroom. I slipped in the oil and slid all the way down the hall crashing into the wall. I was curled up in a fetal position and though oh geez now I am going to get a beating for sure! This is what would have happened with D.M so I thought all men were like that. I did not know any man that was not abusive to me. He came rumbling in the house his big frame looming over me as i quivered in fear. He boomed out Oh My GOD! Are you ok?!! I was stunned and waited for the inevitable blows. The blows never came, instead I said yes, and I am so sorry I crashed into your wall. He knelt down, and I cringed still in a fetal position hiding my face. He gently touched me and said no I am sorry! I should have cleaned up that mess. The relief flooded through me, he wasn’t mad at me and he was not going to beat me. I began to laugh, and he thought I was crying. The more he consoled me the harder I laughed with intense relief and happiness. i was confused but happy that there was no beating.
One day he was changing the hot water heater, and left the old one on a rolling square thing, I am not sure what they call those things. It was just a home made roller, that you could put heavy items on and roll them around. Well he put the old water heater on this thing and left it right in the middle of the floor. for what ever reason I was backing up and did not see this water heated in the middle of the floor and I backed right into it! It went crashing down with me on top of it! I thought for sure, now he would beat me. He came rushing from outside, and i cringed on the floor apologizing for the accident. He was so concerned with me and apologized profusely for leaving the hot water heater in the middle of the floor, he said he was going to throw it out. He must have thought I was so accident prone. Maybe I was, it seemed like my co- ordination was all out of whack.
We went to a AA meeting almost every day, and i enjoyed the outings and talking to him about this AA stuff that he was showing me. During the day since we had no TV or radio or computers, I read the Big Book. That is what they call the book of Alcoholics Anonymous.I had some colored high lighters that I would use to high light anything that really jumped out at me. To be honest I just liked the way the colors looked lol.
We would go shopping and even that basic task I had no idea who to do. He would go around with the cart, and something would catch my eye. Usually the Dolls. I would turn around and he would be gone!! I would be terrified just like a child that lost sight of their mother, I was very much a child in a adult woman’s body. I had no idea that because of the extreme trauma I suffered that I was stunted emotionally and mentally. I did not know this was even possible, but it happens more often than not to children who have suffered abuse as small children.
Childhood abuse may stunt growth of part of brain involved in emotions
This article is more than 7 years oldThree key areas of the hippocampus in the brain were smaller in people who reported maltreatment in childhood
Alok Jha, science correspondent
Mon 13 Feb 2012 20.00 GMTFirst published on Mon 13 Feb 2012 20.00 GMT
Being sexually or emotionally abused as a child can affect the development of a part of the brain that controls memory and the regulation of emotions, a study suggests.
The results add to the growing body of evidence that childhood maltreatment or abuse raises the risk of mental illnesses such as depression, personality disorders and anxiety well into adulthood.
Martin Teicher of the department of psychiatry at Harvard University scanned the brains of almost 200 people who had been questioned about any instances of abuse or stress during childhood. He found that the volumes of three important areas of the hippocampus were reduced by up to 6.5% in people exposed to several instances of maltreatment – such as physical or verbal abuse from parents – in their early years.
“The exquisite vulnerability of the hippocampus to the ravages of stress is one of the key translational neuroscience discoveries of the 20th century,” wrote Teicher on Monday in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
Early clues of the relationship came when scientists found that raising stress hormones for extended periods in rats reduced the number of neurons in the hippocampal areas, a result that has since been replicated in many non-human primates.
Other work has shown that people with a history of abuse or maltreatment during childhood are twice as likely to have recurrent episodes of depression in adulthood. These individuals are also less likely to respond well to psychological or drug-based treatments.
Why The Impact of Child Abuse Extends Well Into Adulthood
Research finds that child abuse harms mental and physical health in adulthood.
Posted Oct 19, 2013
The words “child abuse” are likely to conjure up horror stories that appear from time to time – physical beatings, a child locked in a closet or tied up for long periods; or the unimaginable – like Ariel Castro’s imprisonment of young girls. But in fact, abuse takes many forms, beyond the physical. Recent research finds that its impact is long lasting. It extends far into adulthood, where it affects both physical and mental health. As Faulkner wrote, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”
But this same study, combined with the findings of some other recent research, contains hopeful signs for healing and healthy growth following early abuse.
First, consider some less visible forms of abuse, beyond the physical, that can create lasting consequences. For example, parental neglect; indifference to the child’s needs or temperament; outright humiliation; deliberate denigration. All may be fueled by the parent’s own self-hatred, jealousy, or narcissism.
Examples range from the parent who leaves a child in the car or home alone for hours. Or the parent who rebuffs the child who excitedly says, “look at my new drawing!” or “see what I wrote for this school project!” and who receives a curt, “Don’t bother me now. I’ve got to finish up this report.” Or the parent who consistently and vocally praises one child, while ignoring or criticizing the child’s sibling. And there’s the classic, “You’ll never amount to anything!” Or, why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?”
I’ve heard them all, and more. All take a toll, and this new research studyconfirms that abuse has a long shelf life. It takes a continuing toll on both physical and mental health well into adulthood. The study, conducted by researchers at UCLA and published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, examined the effects of abuse and corresponding lack of parental affection across the body’s entire regulatory system. It found strong links between negative early life experiences and health, across the board. The effects permeate one’s entire mind-body system
This study of 756 subjects suggested that “biological embedding” occurs through programming brain circuitry in ways that shape response patterns to subsequent stress. That causes wear and tear extending across multiple mind-body systems, and creates adverse health outcomes decades later. The researchers suggest that toxic childhood stress alters neural responses to stress, boosting the emotional and physical arousal to threat, and making it more difficult for that reaction to be shut off.
I was stunted and Stanley was unknowingly re-parenting me. I even imprinted on him like an infant, and would spend hours looking into his eyes, feeling a infantile comfort. There was nothing sexual about my feelings for Stanley. However, he was not to know that, because I had no way of knowing what was happening to me. He saw me as a woman, when I was very much an abused child in a adult body. I had no social skills, no functional skills that most adults have developed over the years. Were one adult may have disagreements, I had temper tantrums like a 2 year old. Literally. I did not know what was happening. I was regressing!! when I realized that Stanley was the safest person that ever came into my life, I began to regress and become the child I was never allowed to be.
Sadly, because he is a man and I am a woman he did have expectations of our relationship that involved intimacy. I dutifully completed these tasks for the love that he gave me. I didn’t know that I had choices, or options, and my chances of surviving in the “Normal” world were slim, and the chances of me being put in a situation like I had with my ex husband were high. I did divorce my ex husband D.M.
The last contact I had with him was a phone call stating that I was divorcing him. He got angry, pleaded, got angry. I was so disgusted with him, there was no way I was ever going back to that abusive man!! That was the last contact I ever had with D.M. although I did hear through the grapevine that he found another woman with a child. I only pray that he treated them both better than he treated me or the other women that he had in his life.
A friend of Stanley’s offered me a job for three days as respite worker for her two foster children. She just need some one to watch them while she cleaned her house for spring cleaning. I thought this was a novel idea hiring some one to watch your children while you cleaned your house, so I said yes. I had been sober for about three weeks by this time. It was a nightmare! The children were small,, and no problem at all, but my stress level was out the roof!! I was overwhelmed and anxious, what was happening to me?!!!
I had looked after a set of 6 month old twins and a three year old when I was 19, with minimal problems! Now I had quit drinking and I could not handle a year old baby and a three year old little boy?! I had no idea it was because of the trauma and the drinking that i was not able to function on any level of normalcy at all. I was so scared! when Stanley finally pulled up to take me home, One pant leg was up by my knee, my Hair looked like Einsteins on steroids, and my eyes were rolling like a scared horses. Stanley looked surprised and confused and asked me what happened?!!! I told him of the stress and the anxiety and the fact that i could not handle this simple task and what the hell did he do to me?!! He laughed! He really just laughed and said it was part of the process of coming off alcohol and drugs and it would pass. He said tomorrow would be better, I said there was no way on God’s green earth that I was going back there the next day, I adamantly refused, I wouldn’t even go back for my pay for the day. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he wanted my pay he would have to get it himself and explain to his friend what happened. He did explain and went and got my pay for me.
Time would pass, and things became better and worse in different ways. I started going to school. However, that is another story for next time my friends. Thank you so much for staying with me on this journey!! LOVE