So here I was at an AA round up surrounded my a multitude of people that I did not know. It was very uncomfortable for me. However I did enjoy listening to the AA speakers and the Al-anon speakers. It was good for me to hear that I was not alone, and there were others who did ridiculously stupid things in their lives and lived to tell the tale.
As I was sitting there an older man walked into the room, and I could swear he had a glow of light around him. He spotted me right away and smiled at me. I smiled back, I couldn’t help it, he just looked like a older angel, and I thought he was beautiful. He came over to talk to me and I was shy at first. I mean I didn’t know these people but I did know that they were in the AA program and probably were fairly safe.
We started talking, and as I had scanned the book of AA previously, there were some key point’s I felt I could talk about with him, as I thought that is what AA members do, and it is, they talk about the program of AA. We talked for a couple of hours at least, and then I was getting tired, I excused my self and went to look for my friend and ask if it would be ok if I lay in his vehicle for a bit and had a rest. He agreed, and I went to go have a nap. It never occurred to me to tell my new friend that I was tired and was going to go have a nap. Having never had friends it just wasn’t in my skill set to be courteous.
Apparently when I did not come back right away my new friend became very worried about me. His first reaction was to ask around if any one seen me. Apparently he got a no answer, because he then went to town to search all the bars. I guess this is what new alcoholics do when the go to a round up. (Laugh) It isn’t, but he did not know me and had no idea were I could possibly be. Me I was having a nice little nap.
When I woke from my nap I went back into the hall, and saw him sitting with some people talking, he looked so glum though. When he looked up and saw me he lit right up and had a big smile on his face. He did not even by your leave to his friends he just came rushing over to me to ask if I was ok. I told him I was and that I had gone for a nap. He looked so relived and told me that he went all over town looking for me, including the bars. I was flattered that he was concerned enough to go looking for me. I felt safe with this man, and enjoyed his attention. I felt a twinge of sadness that the round up would be ending, and I would have to say my good byes to him. He then asked me were I lived, I told him the truth that I was fleeing an abusive relationship and was currently in a women’s shelter in the town over from were we were. He looked so sad and asked me to tell him about it.
I told him of the horror I had endured at the hands of my husband. I told my new friend that it was dangerous to be with me, as I was sure that neither of us would be safe, if my husband ever found were I was. He told me that he was not worried, a little scared but he had faith that God had meant for us to meet, and he was willing to take responsibility for me. I asked him what he meant by that, and he said he was willing to protect me and give me a home if that is what I wanted. I told him I would like that very much, even though I really did not know what it meant to have a home, or to even be safe. However, I had so few options, and this sounded like a good option for me, to have a home.
I told him, that I would like to try it and see how it goes. He was very happy to hear that I was willing to go home with him and try and make a home for us. I was getting tired again, so I suggested that we leave before the dance, since it was a very long day for me already, and night was fast approaching. He agreed and said that we could come back for my clothes, and I could call the shelter to let them know I was ok. I had no idea were we were going and the further we got from the safety of the shelter the more I doubted whether I had made a good choice, or if I had made another huge mistake. When we got to a town and headed out of town I grew even more afraid. I thought to myself I am going to be killed by a stranger. I was so scared.
We pulled up too a dark one story house. It was pitch black and was very scary. He told me to wait in the car while he got the lights turned on. He came back with a camp lantern, now I was really worried. I asked him if there was any power. He apologized and said no, as the people that he rented his house too ran up a huge electricity bill and then fled after trashing his house. I was really worried now. We entered the house and the first two things I saw was a huge ax sitting in the corner by the door and a 22 gun leaning up against a wall. My heart sank, and I thought for sure I was going to die.He must of seen the look on my face and pointed to a wood stove, he said he heated up the house with wood that was why he had that ax. The Gun he said as he went to a back room to put it away, was for hunting and protection.
There was glass all over the floor, and he explained that the former tenants had busted the window out of the door, and just left it for him to clean up, he said he only just came back a couple of days ago, and had not had a chance to clean up the glass, as he had to pull up all his rugs as they were ruined and smelled very bad.
I was so tired so I went to the couch and laid down, he pulled up a chair at my request so I could keep an eye on him. I was so scared I did not want to fall asleep, but I knew I could not stay awake, I was so exhausted from my ordeal then the fright of coming home with a stranger. I asked him if he had a bed and could I sleep in it with him. He said yes he had a bed and he was very tired too and would like to go to sleep. So he showed me were he slept and it was an old fashioned single iron bed. I thought oh geez, well at least I can keep an eye on him in such close quarters. I told him I wanted to go to sleep but please do not touch me. He said, that was fine he had no intention of doing anything that I was not agreeable with. Poor man that must have been torture for him. Every time his foot or any part of his body touched me I would tighten up and try to get closer to the wall.
The next day, I got up surveyed the mess , and began to clean it up. He seemed very happy about that, but stated that he had to go to work, and I would be by myself all day. He said he was worried to leave me alone. I told him I would be fine, and preferred to spend the day alone any way. Apparently he was most afraid that he would come home and find that I had committed suicide. He said he was so scared those first few weeks that he would come home and find that I hung myself or something.I knew that suicide was a real fear, as I had family and friends who committed suicide, and he did too. So I could empathize with his fears. As for me I spent my days cleaning and exploring the sheds out back. I found a queen sized bed, in good shape stored in one of the sheds and proceeded to drag it back all the way to the house and set it up in the bed room.
It was summer, so it was beautiful weather, and I was content, although I was struggling with my alcoholism. I didn’t want to be an alcoholic! It was hard, it was painful, and it was depressing! I would spend many many hours talking to my friend Stanley about this and I even learned how to drive, as he taught me to drive to take my mind of off drinking. I spend hours driving the back roads, sometimes he would sleep, while I just drove. It was fun, even when I got us lost, I didn’t worry because I knew Stanley would get us home safely. Things were falling into a pattern and for the most part I was happy. I still had issues with my ptsd and fears, but I will talk about that later.
I am going to be away for a few Days as I have some medical issues to take care of I will be back on the 26 though, and will be writing as soon as I get home, as I am sure I will miss talking to you all!! No worries though it is just a consultation for some gall stones that are causing me some pain, it is not nothing to worry about. so until next time my friends LOVE to you all.