Shattered

Tammy: Some images and content may be disturbing in the extreme for some readers please care for self first.

So here I was back, with a man that professed to love me while beating me black and blue. How did I end up in this situation, and more importantly how do I get out. I could feel myself slipping away to a place that even I would not be able to reach. even the drinking was not helping, my mind was shutting down and I could not think clearly or make rational judgement, lucidity was becoming just a pretty name, not a state of being for me. I was drowning, and no one could save me because it wasn’t water that was killing me, it was my own mind.

The harshest prison is the one that you can never escape; yourself.


Since D.M had come though unscathed from my trip to the hospital when he split open my chin, it emboldened him. I think he felt he was untouchable, and I suppose he was since he had abused so many women before me an it had gone unaccountable for or punished. I was just one among the many, was I going to be one of the lucky ones that get away. I was fast losing hope that this would be the case. I drank even more than I normally did, I was terrified that my days were fast drawing to a close, and I felt helpless to stop my time from being stolen from me. I even considered killing him, but that was not really an option. I not only didn’t have the nature of a killer, I was afraid to defend my self, so how could I kill any one in cold blood? I couldn’t. However, I knew with out a doubt that he was capable and probably would murder me.

I walked on hot coals constantly, egg shells didn’t even come close to describing the feelings I had when with him. Hot coals is a more apt description. the night things came to a head was one of pure terror and horror. We were drinking, which is enough to set him off on one of his wild tangents, about me wanting to leave him. It wasn’t going to leave him, it was “Wanting” to leave him now that set him off. This man had a mind sickness beyond belief.

He didn’t slap he punched, I remember him punching me in the head and seeing stars and thinking I can not pass out because if I do, he will surely kill me. what went through my mind was the time I was sodomized and beaten by a drug dealer, and thinking I can not lose consciousness because if I do he will surely kill me. the terror just coursed through my body, this was going to be another one of those very bad beatings that would put me out of commission for at least a week. I really had no clue as to how bad it really was going to be this night…

He slammed me up against the wall punching me in the stomach, and it hurt so much, I fell to the ground, I knew I had to get up though because if I stayed down he would start kicking me. I just tried to protect myself the best I could as he rained down blows on me.

I was so terrified, I ran to our bathroom, and the only thing that went through my mind was what happened when I ran from my mom and locked her out of the bathroom. I got it twice as bad when I did that to her, and it was not going to be any different with him. I didn’t lock the door, I just hoped he would cool off and leave me alone in the bathroom. I was wrong he came in wielding a broom with a pink plastic cover over the bristles. He started swinging this broom at me and the more I ducked the harder he swung until he made contact with the right side of my face. I remember looking into his eyes this whole time and just seeing utter hatred. he was the epitome of a misogynist.

The plastic part of the broom made contact, and I recall a shooting pain, seeing starts then blackness… my last thought was I am going to die tonight….and I am going to not see my 26th birthday…

I woke up in our bed, my body was hot, and ached all over. I went into the bathroom to see the damage. there was blood every were. Before I even looked at myself I started cleaning up the blood, to try and stave off another beating. If I left the mess it could set him off. Only he knew what set him off, and I don’t even think he knew. after I was done cleaning up all the blood, I then looked in the mirror. the damage was substantial, I had a loose flap of skin hanging, that needed stitches buy I tried to fix it with band aides as I knew there was no way he would take me to the hospital looking like this. I recall the insane look in my eye, and feeling no pain, just disgust that I could not fix my face and the flap kept falling down. My mind was truly broken, shattered into shards, some which I do not believe I would ever find again.

He put me in the bed and told me to stay there, he knew something was seriously wrong, and as the days passed I got weaker and weaker, and the side of my face puffed out to the size of a basket ball. I was slowly dying and I didn’t even have the strength to care or even try to save myself, I was done trying to save myself. D.M’s Father came to the house, I do not know why or who got him to come. I think maybe it was D.M himself, but I have a hard time believing that. I am not sure how many days had gone by but i knew it was a few. I was slipping in an out of consciousnesses.

His Father Took me to the hospital emergency room, and left me there. he did not stay to answer any questions. I do remember vaguely Donald was there, probably to make sure I didn’t say anything to implicate him in the savagery he inflicted upon me. however, even he left when they said I had to get cleaned up to asses the damage.

I remember looking up at the doctor as he worked on my face, and asked me what happened. I just gave the standard answer that D.M always said to say. I fell and split open my cheek. He called me out on the lie and said “I know you are lying”, as said “I am pulling plastic shards out of your cheek as we speak!” the biggest piece was just over half an inch in length. there was about even or eight shards in all embedded into my shredded cheek. He then went on to say”If you waited a day or two more I would have had to remove half your face!” My shame knew no bounds as I looked at the disgust in that Doctors eyes.

I was in the hospital for a little over a week and a half. they had me on intravenous anti-biotics and fluids. I remember going for a smoke and people staring at me, well my face since it was so terrible to look at. I felt like a morbid curiosity. I tried to stay in my room as much as possible, as sometimes people would say incredibly cruel things to me , when they realized whet happened to me.

The only two people that came to see me were the police and my Aunt Eleanor. the police came to take my statement and take pictures, then they told me that they would be charging D.M with assault and battery. I told them I didn’t want to press charges I just wanted to get away from him. They said I didn’t have a choice as it would be the police that were laying the charges not me. My Aunt came to see me and asked if she could put lotion on my legs. I said that was fine. Forgetting that my legs were on big bruise, including the top of my feet. when she pulled the covers back the look of horror and sorrow on her face was apparent. My shame burned me to the core, although I didn’t know why I was the one who should be ashamed, I didn’t do this to my self.

Going to any of my family was not an option, I was not willing to put them at risk, so i was thinking of were I could go. The women’s shelter I had stayed at twice before was no longer an option either. I wasn’t aware of any other shelters, the only option I could think of was to go to a friends house and hope that I could figure out what to do while I healed. It was a good thing I was thinking of a place to go, as the Dr. came in a couple days later and asked me if I had a place to go. Not a safe place, just a place. I said yes. Hr did not offer me any resources or even mentioned a shelter. People failed me time after time, and my ignorance was not bliss, it was killing me. I stayed at my friends place for three days, then went to the store for cigarettes, that is when D.M and his friend along with his girlfriend found me on the street alone, hurt and afraid. I thought abut running into the store and yelling for help, but people failed me so often before I was afraid to even try and save myself for fear that it would just be worse. D.M got out of the car and told me to get in. I obeyed what else could I do, I was in the most dangerous predicament of my life.

We drove around for a while then headed back to the house were all the beatings took place, I was so afraid that he was going to kill me as soon as we got into the house. He didn’t however, instead they pulled out cases of beer and a bottle of whiskey and some pot. i was hoping the pot would make him sleepy and I would be able to escape somehow when he passed out. I didn’t want to drink, but he got mad when I said I didn’t want any so I drank what he gave me, him always pushing me to drink more and faster. being weak already it didn’t take much to get me drunk, and because I was friends with my Husbands friends girlfriend it was not that bad of a time, and I was able to relax a little bit.

A couple of days went by without incident, then he went to work and while he was gone a pane of glass that he had taped up to keep it from falling apart fell out of the window frame. My whole body went cold, I just knew with a certainty that the sky was blue and clouds were white, that I was going to die that night. I got down on my knees and prayed to God that he please save me and show me the way out of this hellish nightmare. i was stunned that night when D.M did not lay a finger on me, he hardly even looked at me. That night i slept soundly, which was very odd and I had a dream about Fairview. Fairview I didn’t know any one in Fairview.. I also dreamed about child welfare, which was odd as well since I did not have any children. for the first time in my life Child welfare was going to save my life and I didn’t even know it.

I called the band hall and asked to speak to the Child Welfare officer, and he came on the line i told him of my predicament, and that I needed to get out or i was going to die. Could he please help me. He thought for a couple minutes and then said to be ready to go in 15 minutes, after he ascertained that D.M was not there and was not going to be there for at least a couple of hours.

I raced to the bed room and felt under the bed for a small suitcase we had, instead of a suitcase, I pulled out a large ax that was on top of a couch cushion. We did not have a wood stove , nor did we have a fire pit. The ax looked new. I did not want to contemplate why he had bought an ax. I didn’t have too I knew I was looking at the weapon that he was going to use to murder me with, probably while I slept beside him.

The child welfare officer pulled into the drive way and I ran out with nothing but the clothes on my back and my life. I wanted to live and with Gods help and guidance I just might have a chance. I jumped into his truck and I asked him were he was taking me. I said”you are not taking me to that shelter I had previously been to are you.” He said Fairview…I was shocked, I didn’t even know Fairview had a women’s shelter. He said” I am taking you to a good place, with good people who will help you.”

I was safe, I could now begin picking up the broken pieces of my life, and deal with issues and my drinking. I had no idea who I was going to do this, not understanding how broken I really was. all I knew for sure, is that I was never going back to D.M. I do not know how he found out were I was but he began calling the shelter, and sometimes the workers would be so scared they would cry. I knew I was not safe there, but I had no were else to go. however, I put my faith in God and I will talk about were he took me in the next segment.

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey, I know it is difficult for me and I am sure it is not easy for you, but it is so worth it to feel that healing knowing I am no longer alone. Thank you Thank you . plewase forgive any speling errors or typos was trying my best to get this out =). LOVE

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