So we moved into a new place, our little brother was still in diapers, but was walking and talking. Heck,he loved that old dutch potato chip commercial, he would always stop and dance to it when ever it came on. Mom was so absent that he called Tyra and I mom, since he didn’t know who his mom was… poor baby… When he grew out of calling us mom I became his big Brother. Poor baby wanted a brother I suppose, being surrounded by girls all the time, I would too. Our Uncles came around sometimes that was good, sometimes not so good. My uncle Wade taught my little brother the rodeo song.. the one with all the profanity in it. He could sing that song word for word, and did every chance he could get. I think he did it because the adults thought it was oh so cute!! He was about
I remember cooking supper and putting a plate on the stove. The stove was still hot, I intended to put the meat on that plate, but it was still in the oven. I remember a hard pain in my shoulder as my Uncle punched me. He yelled at me for putting the plate on a hot stove. Please remember I learned to cook by trial and error, no one every showed me. After he did that, I really did not like to cook any more, even that task was associated with pain.
However, I continued to do it, how could I not, if I didn’t do it who would? I would vacuum and clean the dishes and pick up all the empty bottles sweep the floor wash the floor, basically remove all absence of the party my mom had the night before. Sometimes I had to step over strange people to continue my cleaning. It was such a normal thing for us to find strange people sleeping on our floor. Some times I would find naked couples. I just hated the smell they made, you know that sex smell, was so gross to me seriously, this was our home not a brothel bar, or what ever they thought it was. They typically always woke up when I started cleaning and looked so surprised to see a young girl cleaning up their mess. I hope they felt a little ashamed of themselves, but probably not. High and Drunk people usually only remember half of what they did if they remember anything at all…
When mom went out she would get me to look after the kids, I did that all the time anyway, I guess what I meant to say is when mom went out she made sure I knew that if anything went wrong it would be my fault! So I made dam sure nothing went wrong, Except for this one night.. I had a TV in my room. A tv and a Bed and nothing else, I didn’t need a dresser cause I only had one pair of pants and a couple of shirts, that probably were hanging in the washroom since I washed all the clothes in the tub.
So, now I had a dilemma say no and break their heart, nope couldn’t do that, watch a different show? Hell no! I wanted to watch a “stranger calls!” So I told them, “I am going to watch a scary show”, “you can stay if you want… but you can’t tell mom or get scared!” They all agreed with my terms.. Kids they just wanted to be with me, and to be honest I wanted them to be with me too, I was kinda scared to watch the show by myself lol =). Our littlest brother sat on his feet through out the whole movie! Just glued to the screen, he didn’t move the whole time!! I should of been concerned, but I didn’t think any thing was wrong. After the movie I said” Ok scoot off to be before mom gets home!”
Even our mother lived in night gowns if she wasn’t going out, she wouldn’t get dressed if at home only if she went out. She had a closet full of beautiful clothes! I pleaded with mom to get us some more clothes, and she got vouchers for me and Tyra to get new clothes. She added stuff to the cart for herself and just put it on the voucher saying it was for me. So even our own mother wouldn’t let us have what we needed, since her needs and wants came first. Tyra and I ended up with very little, underwear a few shirts and a couple pairs of pants. Oh yea and cowboy boots, three pairs as Mom got a pair for herself. She always wore cowboy boots, and if she kicked you in the but with those on you knew it!
About the movie the night I baby sat! So all four of us were in our rooms in Bed, I was in my room in bed watching TV. I loved scary shows and a scary movie was coming on, there is no way I was gonna miss that show! it was called “A stranger calls” I was so excited to watch this show. It was just about to come on, when not one, not two, but all three of my siblings came into my room wanting to be with me cause they couldn’t sleep! Sometimes they would do that and I would get them to rub my feet and sleep at the end of the bed. I feel bad about that, but I couldn’t stand anyone up by my torso.
Because “A stranger calls” was about to start, and I did not want to miss watching it, they has to watch it with me. However, the deal was they would not tell mom. It is funny to me now how I never thought things through. Of course they would be scared, and of course mom would find out I let them watch it with me. In a lot of ways I was very irresponsible, and other ways too responsible. After the. Movie was finished, the real scare began…
Our little brother stood up and looked at us with horror on his face and began to cry “I got nails in my feet”! “That man put nails in my feet!’ He was so little he didn’t understand that his feet fell asleep and would hurt until the blood circulation was back in them. I was freaking out because what if mom came home and our little brother was crying about the nails in his feet, it would all come out about me letting them watch a scary movie with me! Oh Fudge I was in big trouble now!! I started rubbing his feet to try and get them back to normal as fast a I could, telling him I was taking the nails out of his feet, and I was going to beat up that man for doing that . It calmed him down. I was after all his big brother.
We all heard mom coming in the door with our uncles, they were so loud and rambunctious, mom was fighting with one of my uncles, like real fist to cuffs fighting! My mom fought like a man and she was a big lady and could throw her weight around pretty good. She could back hand us and send us flying across the room if she wanted to, and at times she did. We always tried to sit out of arms reach of her! The kids all scattered to their rooms. I jumped into my bed hoping she wouldn’t sense something amiss. When mom was drunk she was at her most unpredictable, especially if she was in a fighting mood, which she was that night. I was so scared of her, that movie wasn’t even scary to me Mom was the real monster, and no one could ever tell me monster’s were not real! We all got to watch our movie, but because our little brother was still scared she found out what happened. I got a back hand and sent to bed. To me the back hand was worth it, I spent quality time with my siblings, even if the littlest got scared.
Our little brother, was old enough to be potty trained and he was being trained, but he still peed the bed. I felt so bad for him. I would check on him in the night and if he didn’t pee the bed already I would wake him up to go pee in the bathroom. Sometimes I slept through the night and forgot to wake him and he peed the bed. I would quickly wash him down put clean undies on him and send him to my bed, as I stripped his bed of the soiled linen. I would hide the soiled linen until I was able to get coins for the washing machine that the tenants used.
I would then get them ready for school and drag my sorry butt to my classes. I didn’t do very well in school. However, I could read anything you put before me and understand what I was reading, including medical books, encyclopedias, romances, drama , horror, heck even the cereal boxes. I loved anything to do with books. I loved English, it fascinated me, entranced me, saved me. However, I did not know my multiplication tables, hated science, hated gym because I had to change in front of people. I like history to a certain point, until it just became so boring to me, I could hardly keep my eyes open.
The man that abused me for years, was not supposed to be around me, but somehow he angled his way back into our home and our lives. He was staying at a motel near by and my mother would take me there to go visit him. The last thing I wanted was to see that vile man! After about a month, he was back in our lives. I don’t understand how this was allowed. Perhaps because of mom lying for him, and him not being charged with sexual abuse of a child, it should of been children as I was not the only child he sexually abused.
I remember one time I slept through the night and didn’t get up in time to take my little brother to the bathroom. He peed the bed. I jumped out of my bed, but I was too late. That “man” was stomping towards my brother, who ran towards me in fear. I grabbed my little brother, and was going to take him down stairs. Bedrooms were never safe for us. That “man: ripped back the covers and seen that my little brother had indeed peed the bed. He came stomping over to us and grabbed my little brother and threw him against the wall with full force. My little brother slammed up against the wall, and did not utter a word, just lay there. I am so sorry my little brother, I was able to take the nails out of your feet but, I was not able to beat up the real bad man. My heart absolutely cracked in half, he never called me his big brother after that. I hated “That Man”! I “loved and Hated my Mother” They were stealing so much from me and I would never get back my young years or my innocence.
I was seeing a counselor Janet. she would come to my school to see me, I don’t really recall what we talked about but I liked her, and looked forward to her visits. I remember I was seeing a male counselor too, but I was sexually provocative towards him, so they gave me a female counselor. I am sorry for making that man feel uncomfortable, I thought he would like it since he was a man. this behavior is not unusual for sexually abused children. Unfortunately as you will find out there is a lot of consequences for being abused like this for so many years with out support or treatment.
I couldn’t take it any more, I had to get away from that man and my mother. I went to stay with my mothers friend for a few weeks that summer. I do not know what they did while I was gone. But for me I got a training bra I didn’t need and crashed a bicycle into a car!! Their was even laughter. There was three children, the baby and the second oldest were darling. The little girl with her curls and dimples reminded me of Shirley temple.The baby boy was absolutely adorable. The oldest had thick long hair down to her waist, she had amazing hair I was so jealous of her hair!!
Monsters are real…
Even-though I had gone to my mom’s friends house “That man” would bring my siblings to come see me, to try and entice me to come back home. I do not ever recall my mom ever coming to see me when they came. There was a lot of pictures taken, unfortunately they were all lost some were.
I didn’t go home right away, I stayed with my mom’s friend and her family. I felt free there but not entirely, I think I would always be guarded no matter what. I remember one night me and the oldest girl were playing a dangerous game with marbles. I know we should have been asleep, but kids do stupid this, and we were giggling and playing like two little girls. I heard her mom tell her husband to “go deal with those two!” Oh geez we were in for it now! Then I heard the dreaded command from her to him “spank them!” Now we were both terrified! The oldest girl got spanked first with a belt, and was crying as she got into bed, then it was my turn. I reluctantly went forward for my punishment. He gave me a few whips on my back side as he put me across his knee. Of course it hurt! But I looked at him in the eyes and said” Is it ok If I do not cry?” His face crumpled, I do not know what he saw in my face but it broke him.. He said of course it is ok.. and grabbed me and gave me a big hug, the hug made me cry.. kindness always made me cry because I got so little of it. I went to bed, and heard him say to his wife, “I am never going to lay a finger on any of these kids ever again! If you want to spank them you are going to have to do it yourself!”. I loved that man for saying that.
After that incident I packed my stuff up in a garbage bag and trucked on home. It’s not that I wanted to go, it was I was worried about my own siblings. I knew my friends would be ok. At least I prayed they would be ok . I had to go back and look after my siblings, so I left, and went back home to my little family, and my “mom and him”! Mom was indifferent to see me, and he just grinned. My brother and sisters were happy to see me and I sure was happy to see them!! so I was back in the monsters Lair, however not for long.There was to be a lot of garbage bags in our future.
I found myself retreating further and further into myself, but there was always that underlying aggression and anger. I was a ticking time bomb and not a soul knew it, I hid it very well. I became very good at hiding and stuffing my emotions. I had to do this to protect my self. Little did I know that many children who have been sexually abused did the very same thing. I had been abused so much, that I was really difficult to reach. I seemed distant, cold, unusual, odd, different. I was different, I was molded into something that should never have been created, and it is painful, very very painful for me to live this way. I was suffering in silence.
Being in the Edmonton during this time is a painful one for me. I remember several incidents that occurred and the abuse that occurred with it. How could a mother do the things that our mother did, and think it is showing their children love.
I was just 10 years old and mom had asked us to go money from the bank for her. It was $100.00 dollars, so Tanya and I thought that it would be a good idea to get Trevor, who was 4 years old, some baby food and feed him. We went to the store and bought 20.00 worth the baby food for Trevor and hid it in the basement. When mom realized that there was 20.00 missing we were in extreme trouble. Even when we explained to mom that we had bought it for Trevor she still decided to call the police, and tell them to talk to us about stealing. In our mind we were not stealing we were, giving something to Trevor to keep him healthy.
Tanya and I got in the habit of stealing food or candy from the local convience store. We never got caught until we decided to go to the drug store and steal from there. The manager caught us and called the police, we were taken home in a cop car. Then we were in big trouble. I remember my mom asking “what did I do to make you do this to me?” . I do not know how she did not know why, this is just another testimony that it was all about her and her needs. After the conversation we were made to go back and say that we were sorry, our uncle paid for the candy that we took, and we were told to never come in the store again. I did not steal after that day.
Remember walking to school with Tammy and Tanya as every other day, this one day Tanya and I decided to skip school and just play in the leaves. That was ok until we got bored and had to wait till school was out before we could go home. We just ended up sitting talking and pretending we were having a picnic. When we came home our mom asked where we were we said at school, she stated that the school had called and said that we were absent. We got grounded for a week, we could not go out to play with our friends.
This one incident that occured broke my soul in pieces. I do not recall the reason for the punishment, but I do not believe that any child should be whipped like a horse. Obviously I had done something bad, and got a spanking. This was no ordinary spanking it was with a horse whip. The funny thing is I do not remember the pain. I just know it happened. My sister Tanya had the spanking also but not a severe as mine.
After my punishment I had 3 large purple bruises on my butt, and found it difficult to sit in my seat at school. My teacher noticed that I was having a problem and took me out of class and asked what happened. I told my teacher and social services was contacted and they did their assessment. All I remember is worrying about Trevor and what would happen to him. I was reassured that he would be fine and that I did not need to go get him. After the conversation with the social worker and realizing I did not have to go back to the abuse, I was so happy. I ran up the stairs back to my class room and singing that I did not have to go home, I was ecstatic.