I just wanted to talk about the experience of going to court. I realize this was not my first time, however, the first time I really do not remember much of it. I remember that I had an advocate from Sacred circle there and of course my lawyer, but my lawyer wasn’t really interactive with me. I am thinking my mother already spoke to my lawyer and told her that this was all a big mistake. I was being failed over and over again.
The odd thing is I do not remember any medical exam, whether it was to late for that or they just didn’t bother I am not sure. I do however, remember taking a lie detector test, and him refusing to do so. If he had nothing to fear why didn’t he just take the test, I mean it is not like it was admissible in court. they told me he refused to take it, and I remember asking them why. I also remember asking them why I had to take one if he didn’t take one. what a travesty, a mockery of the justice system!
I remember his defense lawyer grilling me, and asking me questions about time, dates and what not. My Mother had already lied to them about the dates so it really did not matter what I said. She had also told them he was with her, the night in question. I had already been crucified before I even set foot in that court room. They talk about fair trials, well I certainly was not treated fairly even though it seemed I was the one on trial.
I remember him and my mother sitting together at their table with his lawyer, watching me. It was awful, I had zero support or a kind eye to look too except for that Lady from sacred circle. Even my lawyer did not speak up and come to me defense. Witch hunt and I was the witch. A little girl who had already been so shattered and broken, just being pummeled into dust by the Legal system. He walked away a free man to do even more harm, because of my mothers testimony. I was shattered.
I think that was the day I realized there was no one who was going to be able to save me, I was completely and utterly alone. I gave up…I became depressed and suicidal. Also, the fact that I was probably suffering complicated PTSD did not help my case for life at all. for the first time in my life I began to hate…myself….
I turned that hatred inward, and it only got worse as time went on. I with drew even more from society, rarely spoke. Was so timid and fearful of every one and everything. why not one saw this I do not know. I was a lost child. The child no one see’s.
The only real ally I had was my sister, because she knew the truth, she didn’t have to question me, she already knew the truth, but she was just a little girl. Since writing this, this is the first time I cried in a long time. “Kindness makes me cry.” Her comfort to me will forever be cherished and held sacred to me.
Needless to say, I have huge trust issues with people in authority. However, if it comes to advocating for some one else who is struggling against the system I have no problems doing that. It is just for myself I have a hard time standing up for myself. It is years of conditioning me to be a victim that has made me this way, and it takes a long time to become a person who loves one self, but it can be done. This is just an aside so look forward to the next segment that my sister and I are working on right now! We are so ever grateful for your encouragement and support!! LOVE