We returned back to to our mothers place, a bitter sweet moment. The sweet part was that all of us kids were all together again the bitter part was knowing things did not change in just a few months. I remember when we came back mom was standing in the window for us and had a big smile waiting for us. The rest of the home coming is not clear to me now, just the poignant moments are clear in my mind.
Moving had became a common occurrence for us and here we go again. This time we moved to a larger home, in Callingwood Place. It was more spacious for all of us kids, we all had a room and our own bed. The rooms were not large but were better than being in the same room. Tammy and I shared a room in the basement, Trevor being the only boy had his own room and Tanya had her own room.
During our time in this place we met some other children in the complex and we would go sledding with them, build forts out of the snow. This time was cherished by all of us. I even had skates and was skating in the parking lot when it was all froze over. Our extended family started to come by more, our uncles would come by and even end up staying with us for a prolonged time.
Mom and her brothers loved to party and they partied. It did not matter if it was during the week when we needed to go to school or on the weekend. The parties seemed to never end. Looking back I remember having to tell them to be quiet as we needed to get up in the morning for school. Then people wondered why we didn’t do well in school.
In the interim I went to my foster parents for the summer. It is a time that I fondly remember. Playing with the other children, the farm animals, getting eggs and having the chickens peck my hand. It was stated that I should use gloves, to prevent being scared to get the eggs. As I remember putting on these big leather gloves and it did help to get the eggs. I felt so proud being able to do my chore. Then it was time for the cow milking and having one of the foster brothers spray me with fresh milk, I just laughed. One of the sad moments introduced me to the cycle of life and death. I saw a dead kitten on the manure pile, I ask “what happened to the kitten?” they saw I was so sad. It was stated that the cow had stepped on it and it was just life. I still felt really bad for that kitten.
Time to head back to my bio mom, did I want to leave the farm “No”, but I had no choice. I remember being on the Greyhound Bus and the driver looked after me. When I arrived in Edmonton, my bio mom was waiting for me at the station with a new man.
The drive back home from the station was very upsetting as my bio mom was telling me that this new man that came into her life is my dad. I just stated that he is not my dad and will not be calling him dad. She was not happy with me as she expected me to just follow along with the story that he was my dad, but I would not have any of it. Also during the drive home, Trevor about 1 1/2 or 2 years old was running around in the back of the van singing “Tyra’s home, Tyra’s home” I can still see the joy he had on his face. Tammy and Tanya I did not come to see me and do not remember where they were.
The days came and went as they do for others, then it was winter again. Snow, sledding, fun is all I had in my mind. Walking up them big hills was worth it when you come speeding down on a red toboggan. After school we all looked forward to the evening for the sledding we could do.
Christmas was coming and as all children we were really excited. Who would have thought that we could have an amazing Christmas, not me. We were used to getting our gifts from the Santa Anonymous program but this year was wild. Our mom and Harvey went all out to give us a Christmas to remember.
They got us up at 3 am to open presents as Santa had come to town. The tree was all lite up, different colors twinkling in the darkness of the room. Then I noticed the presents. There were so many of them, I had not seen so many presents under a tree, the excitement arose in me, finding it difficult to contain myself. I do not really recall everything that I received that year the only things I do remember was the big red sleds, and that Tammy received a nurses watch and that mom wanted her to become a nurse to look after her when she got older. It was a pretty white watch and I never really forgot what she said about wanting Tammy to become a nurse. Harvey was the man she was with during this Christmas, who would have known a generous man could be a predator just waiting to pounce on its prey.
The New Year came in, what year it was is a blur. During the next year there was a lot of abuse happening. I remember this one night while I was sleeping, all I could hear was “get off of me, get off of me”. Being as young and naive about sex I did not realize until later what had happened. Harvey tried to take advantage of Tammy while I was in the same bed with her. After I woke up he took off running up the stairs back to his room. Then came the paranoia of when will he come again. Tammy and I always slept together so we were our own saviours from the abuse that he was still grooming us for.
Trigger warning: self first.
I remember this one day that Harvey wanted me to cuddle him on the couch. All I really remember was “ouch, don’t do that” the pinch and pain was too much for me as I blacked out and don’t remember much, the next thing I remember was that he was performing oral sex on me, I just remember his blue eyes looking at me with glee. Today looking back I do not understand what goes through a pedophiles mind when they are abusing you girls or boys. How do they get pleasure out of this type of sex?
While he was performing oral sex on me, my mom came down and saw what was going on and just sent me to bed. I felt by the way my mom reacted it was my fault that this is happening to me. She was angry at me for her new man taking advantage of me, instead of being angry at him for taking advantage of me. Looking back I do not understand the thinking. If it was my daughter that individual would be out of my home so there could be no more harm to the children in the home. This was not the thoughts of our mother, it seemed the more abuse and pain we were put throught the happier she became.
Callingwood is a very painful time for me as it was the ultimate betrayal of my heart. As stated by sister Tyra; Harvey was an integral part of our family unit by this time. Still being very young I never found my voice.. but I will, as you will read in segments further on.
I was such a skinny child, like nothing but skin and bones. It was funny to me to see my self so skinny, but that didn’t save me. I suppose like any predator this man observed his prey and picked out the weakest targets. Our Mother, was so high on Drugs most of the time, she was absent in her room and her man pretty much had free reign over us kids. I remember writing letters to his two Daughters who lived in Ontario. Their letters were ominous when discussing him, and their veiled warnings were not lost on me…. but what could I do?
I recall his son to come visit us, and I had a little kid crush, but i was way to young and he was way to old for me to be serious lol, but it was a nice feeling that crush. I am sure I just made him feel very awkward. However, it was harmless. It was nice having him around as things calmed down a lot when he was there. I do not think my mom’s man dared to try anything with his son there.
Tyra, spoke of that Christmas, I remember it too for other reasons though. It was New Years that mom and Harvey went out partying, leaving me to babysit the kids. I guess your allowed to babysit when you are Ten? Although, it did not seem to matter to our mother what age we were when she left us alone. She wanted what she wanted, and got it be dammed the consequences.
Tyra and I slept in the basement in a queen sized bed. I liked being with my sister, it was comforting, and I thought it was safe.. I was wrong…It never ceases to amaze me how we were both being abused but did not share with each other, each of us trying to protect the other…
Trigger Warning ahead, please be aware and take care of self first:
That Christmas we did get a lot of gifts, if I knew the price to be paid I would have gladly done with out. That New Years, was the evening that things escalated to a point were I was broken beyond belief. Mom did not come home with him. I remember hearing him come in and went up stairs to greet my mom and him. She wasn’t with him though. I remember asking him “were is mom?” his response was “she didn’t want to come home, she wanted to stay and party, so I left her there.” Apparently they were at a house party. I told him he should go back and get her, he refused.
Was he drunk? I do not think he was, he wasn’t falling down drunk that was for sure. Not that drinking is an excuse for what he did, I am just stating his frame of mind.. if that is possible to do, since it was so sick and twisted. I went back downstairs to go sleep with my sister.
I remember him yelling for me to come back up stairs, this went on three times, and each time he was trying to get me to drink, and kiss me. Yuck roils my stomach just thinking about his grossness. I knew exactly what this twisted pervert wanted and I wanted nothing to do with it. So the next time I went down stairs and he called me, I did not go up. I heard him come down the stairs, and I hid behind the furnace, thinking he would just go away. He didn’t.. he went to my sister and I’s bed and started doing something to her. I heard her say ” Harvey! Stop it!” She does not remember this but I do.
I realized that this man was not going to give up his intent to harm, he knew our mother would not protect us or do him harm. He could harm us with impunity. I stepped out from behind the furnace and told him to stop that! He said “come upstairs with me now!” He was actually mad the audacity of that sick man!! He made me drink whisky..how I hate even the smell of that gross stuff. I just pretended to drink, because I thought if he got drunk he would pass out and I would slip away. I was so scared!
My plan failed in a big way, he didn’t get drunk. I did, because he got mad when I didn’t empty my glass. I wish I was stupid drunk but I wasn’t I pretended to be though, I thought if I pretended to pass out he would go away…bad mistake. He packed me upstairs to my little sisters room. I think my little sister was in my moms bed asleep, cause she wasn’t there, in her own bed.
I begged him to please, do not do this! He just grinned at me, that horrible man! He stripped off my clothes, then stripped of his. what the heck I did not have a woman’s body! I didn’t know what a pedophile was, I just knew I didn’t want to do this and it was not fair. I felt his penis pushing on me, and his sloppy kisses as I turned my head to the wall. From far away I felt a pain then nothing, I do not know were I went, or for how long, I just went away….
He must have felt quite confident because I was only ten and not menstruating so there was no chance of me getting pregnant. Also haven previously been sexually assaulted he probably felt confident that any signs of abuse would be passed off on old abuse, not that I would ever tell.. at least I would not tell my mom…I remember waking up in my bed with my sister, I was so sore, and there was no sign of our mom. I just wanted to stay downstairs forever,
I didn’t tell my mom, I told a teacher, that spring, because he wouldn’t stop abusing me! I couldn’t take it any more, I just wanted it to stop!! Well, boy oh boy all hell broke lose. The social worker came, mom was furious!!! Her Fury was not directed at him though, it was directed at me. This is not as uncommon as people think. in fact it happens more often than not, that a mother will side with the perpetrator against her own flesh and blood. As talked about before, my mother was just as much a predator as her man was. We were trapped between a rock and a hard place.
I did go to court, will talk about that experience in next piece, mom refused to let Tyra testify, saying she was to young and nothing had gone on with her, so there was no need to traumatize her. My mother also testified that it was impossible for her man to have sexually abused me , due to the fact that when he was not at work he was with her! She perjured herself to protect a pedophile!! I lay it all bare to them everything that happened so far. The times he would come in the bathroom when I was in the tub. Rubbing up against me when I was in the kitchen., and of course the assault. My moms testimony dammed me as a liar though, and he got away with it. I still remember what he did to me all these years later, I do not think what I do remember, I will ever forget, I am just grateful so much is blacked out for me, small consolation, I was hurt beyond belief.
The comfort I get is knowing there are people reading this and rooting for us, for that my heart heals a little each time, so thank you for the kind comments and the views!!
There is more to tell, but for now, I need a little break.
“I am a survivor, a living example of what people can go through and Survive.” quote unknown author
Thank you my friends for the support. LOVE Please leave comments, thoughts, feelings, feed back. I always look for the comments. 😊💕