During this time, I started school. you could only imagine what kind of fiasco that was, having never been around other children other than my siblings and my foster siblings. to further complicate the issues, I was a severely traumatized little girl. School did not bode for well for me, and my fears were realized….
Grade one, lets say right off that bat I failed grade one. Not because I was not as smart as other children, it was probably due to the fact that I knew to much and did not fit a typical child’s mold. My mold had been viciously shattered but the adults who came into contact with me, through my mother.
To the grade one teacher that I stabbed with a pencil, I am so sorry =(. It is not my nature to be vicious, it was a learned behavior and really had nothing to do with you as a person, Like me you were a victim. I profusely apologize for the pain I caused you. I was punished for this misdeed, and sent to the principals office.
This is were I learned that pain was not all inclusive to my home, for I received a strap on both hands. I recall the principle looking at me oddly when I did not cry. Why should I, the pain was so minimal to me. The only one that could make me make a sound when they beat me was my mother, and then it was not a cry, it was a scream of terror and pain.
I ended up in the hospital at around this time. I never really knew why, since I do not recall having any broken bones, or pain. Having talked to sympathetic family and my sister I received my answer, and it floored me at the injustice of it all. I was in the hospital due to sever trauma to my little girl parts. I recall being in a room with another little girl who had a tube so she could pee. I remember talking to her about that and her asking why I was there. I remember telling her that I was hurt but would be ok . It hurts my heart to recall my child self said I would be ok ….
I have not ever been able to conceive children. Although I do believe I would have been an amazing mother. I suppose the best I can do is to nurture that little girl that was once me. I have so many issues with menstruating, for months on end or not menstruating for months on end. Many times I have gone to the Dr to get them to stop the bleeding. they even tried putting me on birth control not realizing that I was genetically predisposed to hormonal cancer . Even I did not know that, so no fault of the Drs.
I recall going back to school, and this wonderful tall teacher, I suppose all adults were tall to me, ran towards me face alight with a glow. she looked so beautiful, her high heels clacking on the hall way floor, her bouncy black curls gleaming, her blue eyes twinkling. Her huge smile was beatific. Se look ecstatic to see me. She picked m,e up under my arms and twirled me in the hallway. Her dress swirling out like a carousel top. I felt something, I think it was a bubbling of laughter, I managed a huge smile for her.
The kindness also hurt my heart, since it made me pause and wonder, why so little of this, and so much of the other. A fleeting thought then resignation that it was this way because that is how it is. To a child truth is black and white, it is not complicated it is just the way it is.
However, all these years I remember that lovely Lady twirling me with laughter and a twinkle in her eye, and my heart breaks a little that there was going to be so little of that in the years to come, so I hold onto that memory with a ferocity of a mother lion =).
Tyra can make me laugh, a rare thing but, I love how I can make her laugh. I love laughter it is the best music of all, I never get tired of listening to it. for my friends and family out there can you try to have at least one laugh a day, you never know I might be able to hear it floating on the wind.
Thank you so much for sharing this Journey with us, it is so much easier to not have to do it alone anymore =)